2025 (pt 2)
year in review part 2. presented unfiltered and unedited, uploaded immediately upon finishing writing.
Moving into the next pieces of the year. I think a shield duplicitously reflects my safety and my downfall. It stops the bad from getting in, but it blocks everything. I also then inherently have to believe that what is being blocked is bad. Rather than acknowledging the beauty and growth of humanity through failing and learning, even in its deepest and most unnerving spaces. This year, I believe I touched some places that few get to.
I wrote that I feel overwhelmed almost all of the time. Despite having more time than I know what to do with. It feels clearer to me, that my desire to be liked and operating at 100% eats away at my ability to relax and feel like enough for just being me. What is my worth on this earth if I’m not creating anything of value for myself, my community, and my culture. If my life fails by not achieving my self defined success, that produces a weight that is becoming harder to carry. I’m not certain what happiness genuinely looks like for me because I shift that goal post over and over again.
In February, I started to see the inklings of believing that weakness is strength, and to embrace weakness and fallibility. Sitting here in the first week of January, I think I have lost touch with the importance of that. In the early months of last year, I was my weakest and messiest. It felt invigorating even if it wasn’t the best behaviour I’ve exhibited. But I dropped the shield for the first time that kept me hidden away from the world. A shield I could drop again if I want to feel part of something again.
Another shield of mine is dissociation and humour. I need to be careful where those feelings are coming from and how they’re being utilized in my life. While humour is crucial to joy and companionship, it can be weaponized. Understanding where you come from within while being funny is paramount to actually conveying joy. It’s not funny if it causes unwelcome pain and grief.
But dissociation is my greater enemy. I have an ability to retreat that needs to be kept in check. “not now”, “Tomorrow”, “it’ll pass”. Do these leave space to actually feel what’s happening in my life? Do these simply leave space to disengage. So much of my time is spent looking forward to disengaging and not participating in the world. It’s become a cliche this year, but it hurt me in my heart. “How you spend your days is how you spend your life”. So why do I calculate all my time based on when I get to do nothing? I used to relish the filled calendar. Isn’t that why I chose the life I have? To have the space and time to be part of things I genuinely enjoy and love?
Reality says to me, that if I embraced myself and the things I love and put myself out there even further, that I would be accepted. But 2025 was a year of deep hurt from sources that I deserved a better love from. Namely, my sets of adoptive and birth parents. I am a child ignored, and I am a child with no place to send my pain and hurt. My wounds are unattended to by the only people who should be unconditional. But it’s not what I was granted, and the rift grows and grows. I used to believe I could do more, and if I continued pushing and pushing, it would be reciprocated. But at some point, you must acknowledge that your parents have moved on and don’t see you as child, and possibly never did. What to do with that information is still a mystery to me.
Can I reclaim my spirit and desire to live in the coming year, and can I hold true to the things that provide me respite and joy? It has not been an easy time. But I do need to remind myself that I’m alive and there’s love in the world to be had. And that returning to creation in a lens outside of business or success will ultimately serve me best. I finish this sentence while waiting on the phone to talk to 988, in an effort the begin speaking honestly with more than my writing.