Loneliness

Is it self-imposed? I’m not sure where the line of responsibility lies between myself and others. I feel loneliness in a new way this year. Or I might be cognizant of it for the first time. I recently asked myself if I had a lonely childhood. I realized I don’t remember the majority of my childhood.

Recognizing the part I play in my loneliness has been difficult. Wondering if I speak truly, speak clearly. Do I leave space for the other? Can I create an environment of understanding and ease? Shyness and my desire for social ease dominate moments when I should speak more. Moments when I speak more, I could remember to dial back a bit. My barometer for successful interrogation and understanding seems calibrated poorly in both directions.

This has been a beyond difficult year for a myriad of reasons. Possibly the worst year of my life emotionally. The complexity of my upbringing, the ramifications of adoption on parent and child, separation romantically and platonically. A text from a friend said that they believed “love did not disappear”. The physical separation has no relief from love’s immensity. It’s placed in a new paradigm internally but it carries the same profound effect.

I am the loneliest I’ve ever been. I hold out hope for that to change. Because I also feel I’m finally looking at my loneliness in the face, and not as a spectre behind me with a hand on my shoulder. Can I acknowledge its presence and learn to live with it? Right now, I persist despite it.