Texts to nathan

“I think for me, I’m beginning to fear an innate disconnect that I have from the beginning. It would be hard not to recognize someone, because I don’t remember feeling love and attachment for them in a profound way.”

“How can I know that misunderstanding if I’m unsure that I’ve ever felt it. I think about this these days, with the number of people who come and go in my life. Do I have an incapability to love genuinely and through hardship, because I have not experienced that?”

“I am quick to shut down if I feel misunderstood. I am quick to accept that someone will no longer be in my life, as though I acquiesce the ability of presence entirely to them. But my experience dictates that. The only letter I have from my biological father states, “when you’re ready, please reach out. Until then, I’ll never bother you”.

And he’s mostly been true to that word. But it’s odd, because you would think I want that effort put in and to form something more tangible. Whether anything parental can come to pass, I’m not certain. But I do think something is better than nothing in the case of your parents.”

“But I realize now that the hurt is so immense. Placing the desire for a relationship on the child. I could try and see it through his eyes, and maybe I’ll write about it someday. But my feeling is that it destroyed my ability to believe people wanted something deep and genuine with me. Not even my own biological father was willing to fight for a relationship with me, it was wholly my choice.”

“I now experience it with my birth mother as well. It simply evaporates. That love feels entirely ethereal to me and not physical at all. I think I have a complete and fundamental missing piece of what it feels like to be loved unconditionally.”